Why did Corey have to mention bathing suits?
I’m on the “full-figured” side, which is a nice way of saying I need to lose 20 pounds……….per thigh.
I’ve been on quite a few Disney cruises. No matter what, the routine never varies. I scope out the adult pool. YAY!! There are plenty of other plus size gals so I run to my stateroom to change.
Much as I’d like to say throwing on a bathing suit takes five minutes, there’s a ritual that must be followed. (Number one on the list is all mirrors and reflective surfaces must be covered.) I’ve packed my “miracle” suit and am about to look 10 pounds slimmer!!
First hurdle, the hips. Pull, take a break. Pull, take a break. Pull, omigod, this is cutting off my circulation. Wait! I’ll lie down, that should work. We all know this redistributes the lard and causes a temporary decrease in size. One last yank and the hips are cleared. I can’t breathe and I’ve lost feeling in my lower extremities. What the heck, breathing is overrated and that instant 10 pound weight loss inspires me on.
With my swimsuit up to my waist, I am about to embark on the next challenge, corralling the err…umm (what can I call them without getting myself fired?) Let’s refer to the next level as the upper deck. (Or, thanks to gravity, lower mezzanine.) I assess the suit’s expectations. They’re supposed to be encased way up here? Am I going to have to stand on my head to accomplish this feat? My first attempt had me looking like a porn star. On the second try I do the bend over and shake maneuver and they’re finally where they belong.
Has my miracle suit delivered? If you think that having your tummy bulge somehow come up and out of the back of your bathing suit, then yes, I look ever so much thinner. I also look like I’ve grown a second butt between my shoulders.
Meanwhile, Gary is watching this bit of performance art. He uses the TV as his excuse for laughing. I’m skeptical since he’s watching the weather.
Time to slather on some sunscreen and join my chubby sisters poolside. Here I am ladies!! Let’s talk about dessert!! Wait! Where’d they go and who are all these skinny chicks in teeny bikinis? Great, I’m the sole pool chubster. Is Barbie eyeballing my cellulite? Don’t you worry sweetie, it’s not contagious. (But just wait until you’ve had three kids and hit menopause.)
Being naturally ‘insulated’ does have a distinct advantage. While the dainty ladies delicately immerse their perfectly polished tootsies in the water, they realize it’s the same temperature as a frozen margarita and recoil in horror. I, on the other hand, am able to plunge right in.
So there I am in the pool with my elbows perched on the side just waiting for my skirted swimsuit friends to return before I turn into a prune. I always come home with a lovely tan on my arms and shoulders while my legs remain lily white.
Thank you Corey for reminding me of what I have to look forward to this September when I’m cruizin’ again. A miracle isn’t going to cut it this time around. I’m going to start praying for some divine intervention (and pack pliers.)
Category: Disney Cruise Line