Corey said the “B” word

| April 14, 2008

Why did Corey have to mention bathing suits?

I’m on the “full-figured” side, which is a nice way of saying I need to lose 20 pounds……….per thigh.

I’ve been on quite a few Disney cruises. No matter what, the routine never varies. I scope out the adult pool. YAY!! There are plenty of other plus size gals so I run to my stateroom to change.

Much as I’d like to say throwing on a bathing suit takes five minutes, there’s a ritual that must be followed. (Number one on the list is all mirrors and reflective surfaces must be covered.) I’ve packed my “miracle” suit and am about to look 10 pounds slimmer!!

First hurdle, the hips. Pull, take a break. Pull, take a break. Pull, omigod, this is cutting off my circulation. Wait! I’ll lie down, that should work. We all know this redistributes the lard and causes a temporary decrease in size.  One last yank and the hips are cleared. I can’t breathe and I’ve lost feeling in my lower extremities. What the heck, breathing is overrated and that instant 10 pound weight loss inspires me on.

 With my swimsuit up to my waist, I am about to embark on the next challenge, corralling the err…umm (what can I call them without getting myself fired?)  Let’s refer to the next level as the upper deck. (Or, thanks to gravity, lower mezzanine.)  I assess the suit’s expectations. They’re supposed to be encased way up here?  Am I going to have to stand on my head to accomplish this feat?  My first attempt had me looking like a porn star. On the second try I do the bend over and shake maneuver and they’re finally where they belong.

Has my miracle suit delivered? If you think that having your tummy bulge somehow come up and out of the back of your bathing suit, then yes, I look ever so much thinner. I also look like I’ve grown a second butt between my shoulders.

Meanwhile, Gary is watching this bit of performance art. He uses the TV as his excuse for laughing. I’m skeptical since he’s watching the weather.

Time to slather on some sunscreen and join my chubby sisters poolside. Here I am ladies!! Let’s talk about dessert!!  Wait! Where’d they go and who are all these skinny chicks in teeny bikinis?  Great, I’m the sole pool chubster. Is Barbie eyeballing my cellulite? Don’t you worry sweetie, it’s not contagious. (But just wait until you’ve had three kids and hit menopause.)

Being naturally ‘insulated’ does have a distinct advantage. While the dainty ladies delicately immerse their perfectly polished tootsies in the water, they realize it’s the same temperature as a frozen margarita and recoil in horror. I, on the other hand, am able to plunge right in.

So there I am in the pool with my elbows perched on the side just waiting for my skirted swimsuit friends to return before I turn into a prune. I always come home with a lovely tan on my arms and shoulders while my legs remain lily white.

Thank you Corey for reminding me of what I have to look forward to this September when I’m cruizin’ again. A miracle isn’t going to cut it this time around. I’m going to start praying for some divine intervention (and pack pliers.)

Category: Disney Cruise Line

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  • Tonya2426

    UGHHHHHH! Bathing suit shopping is the bane of my existence and something I only sometimes wish on my worst enemy. Oh the horrors of dressing room flourescent lights on pasty white thighs!!! Which reminds me – I hate skinny chicks in teeny bikinis! :)

  • mandymommy4

    OMG! I love it! Your description of putting on the bathing suit somewhat resembles my ritual of putting on my SPANX! Once there on I’m loving it but oh God, getting it all packed in is a workout.

  • AuroraJae

    You are so freakin’ hilarious!
    But, now that I know how you really feel about skinny people I need to make a mental note: in order to remain friends with Regina never wear a bikini anywhere near her. Remember gals, I am still pre-baby so I am very aware that my day will come.

  • daneenm

    Ohhh, Maris, YOU CRACK ME UP! Don’t I know how you feel. Dressing rooms are the worst and have tried the Miracle suit with the same issue. Thank goodness for Land’s End bathing suits – they cover many flaws.

  • disneybridein2k3

    I cannot get over the giggles on the “second butt between the shoulders” part and then having your husband laughing, all the while blaming it on the weather on tv. So you made me look – I went to the cruise thread and didn’t see your name there. Tell me Tracy just hasn’t updated your info for the Podcast cruise – I really hope you’ll be joining us! I’ll bet the cruise would be so much fun with you Regina!

  • WebmasterRegina

    Oh no!! I have to go through this with Spanx? My son’s getting married next month and someone suggested them. (When I was trying on dresses, the saleslady said “it will look different when you have pantyhose on.” Guess what I was already wearing.)

    You don’t count Julie. You’re young enough to be my daughter. If you’re still wearing a bikini after age 40, all bets are off.

  • kab407

    Regina, you crack me up! What you do to corral the girls had me rolling.

    Spanx, the greatest thing since Wonder Bread!

  • calypso

    I am seriously laughing out loud right now — Regina, you are da bomb!!! The visuals from this blog will have me giggling all night. :)

  • annette_va

    Regina, you never fail to make me LMAO. I love your writing style…and I appreciate so much of what you write.

  • elemusing

    REGINA!!!!!!!!!!! OH MAH GOODNESS YOU ARE SO FUNNY!!! I totally know what you are talking about with all of this! Doncha love reaching in and placing the girls where they should be. Remember when you were a teen and thought “omg, I would never buy a bathing suit with a shelf bra attached in it!” And now I think OMG, I would NEVER buy a suit without a shelf bra attached! Thanks for the laugh!

  • mandymommy4

    SPANX are the best! I would suggest the Higher power power panties! They are like bike shorts that come all the way up to….. the base of the twins! ;) I am a singer and I wear them on stage and they work with out restricting my ability to breath, Ha Ha! Target also sell Assets, made by SPANX. Don’t Worry if you find a “hole” in them, it’s normal! Hahaha

    P.S. Julie they are great for post delivery until all the belly flattens out again. It can happen, it did for me.

  • Madi100

    Regina, give me back my bathing suit! I love that the suit helps to flatten my stomach (Yeah, right). What little it does to help it pushes right up and out the top. I’m so out of breath by the time I get my suit off from the dancing and pulling. Putting a dry suit on is so much more fun than taking off a wet suit.

  • two-foxes

    Regina, your description of getting into a bathing suit was right on…for the first I struggled, shimmyed, jumped and squeezed my way into some “more coverage” bathing suit that is supposed to hold my post baby belly in. My beloved bikinis are sitting in my closet, reminicing of being worn by one of those “skinny chicks”, which I was a mere 19 months ago (yes, I do keep track!) But my lovely baby boy….well, he doesn’t mind my cellulite =)

  • mommyceratops

    Hahaha!! Regina that cracked me up!! I just went the really old lady route and bought one of those that just look like the big shirt!

    Julie – don’t worry we will just lay out by you and that will be like….laying in shade and no one will be able to pick you out! If want to find you they can follow all the married men staring at you!

    Thanks Regina I needed that laugh and reminder to stick to my diet!

  • WebmasterRegina

    Oh Madi, I deliberately left out the part about dealing with it after you’ve been in the water. I love when you’re pulling it back on and the straps s-t-r-e-t-c-h about a mile since they’re wet. You’re praying “please spring back to the original shape” which never happens so there you are, dripping and drooping.

    Big Shirt suits? Is this the kind that balloons when you go in the pool? I always love batting down that giant air pocket that makes me look like I’m pregnant with quadruplets.

  • DVCsince02

    OMG Regina, that was sooo funny.
    I’m also no petite flower and now pregnant with #3, so imagine my horror when I had to buy a maternity swim suit.
    Well long story short, it’s one of the nicest suits I have ever worn and plan on wearing it until the spandex dry rots…..

  • aGoofyMom

    I love your wit! I really needed this today. Forget shelf bra – I don’t buy a bathing suit without a wire. (or 2)
    I have yet to manage my Spanx without pulling a muscle (even though it is always worth it!)

  • Corey Martin

    You are too funny! I’m glad that I was able to inspire you. :)

  • carelo

    Hysterical! Every time I do the bathing suit dance I think of you Regina.

  • tinkbutt

    I am right there with you I am not the typical tiny girl either built like a sporty rugged girl with broad shoulders and hips and thighs to match I hate bathing suit season!!! well I love the weather I just wish there was a more flattering way to enjoy it

  • maiziezoe

    If I buy and wear 4 Magic Bathing Suits, will I look 40 pounds lighter?

    You are hysterical, Regina!

  • cocowum

    Regina, your “Butt between the shoulders” was seriously hysterical! You are so funny! I can’t wait for you to be on the podcast!!! BTW I love my Spanx! can’t live without em!

  • WebmasterRegina

    Maizie, you’d put yourself through this torture by layering 4 of them? You’re a braver woman than I am. (However, if you do lose 10 pounds per suit, report back and let me know if I have to stock up.) :)

    It sounds like I need to get Spanxed.

  • miss missy

    OMG that was sooo funny! I can’t relate to the “upperdeck” part though- since I don’t have one LOL but remember that movie “John Tucker must Die” well I picked up the “skinny chicks must die” – ok not die, but they must get un-skinny LOL

    I have been told I have the body of a Renaissance women, gee thanks! I guess that is why they were always covered up with long dresses.

    Ho hum! The B word should be banned!!

  • mla973

    Hilarious Regina!




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